Rain Rain Go Away...

Today I am fighting with all that I am made of to not spin down into the black hole of depression which I have known before. I am not quite sure where this is coming from. I have been free of depression for just about 9 or 10 years. With the exception of almost 5 years ago when I gave birth. I had a three week bout with postpartum depression. Other than that I only experience the blues once in a while like anyone else does.

I am convinced that springtime and the end of another school year has something to do with it. My little guy will finish up his last year of preschool this week on Friday. In the fall he will be in kindergarten already! My older son has just finished his second year of college and will be 20 in August. I've had other things on my mind this past week as well. I lost a baby 9 years ago today at midnight. My cousin's death was almost a year ago now. Too many of my friends are too busy to get together these days. It's all a little overwhelming and very lonely.

I am not fond of change I will admit, but I usually handle things better than I have been of late. I am in desperate need of some fun! We were planning on going to New York City this weekend for 5 days, but had to cancel due to some unexpected expenses, the swine flu helped a bit, and our oldest wasn't going to be able to go at the last minute. I can take a hint. We were not supposed to go for some reason...

All the rain this spring has given way to some beautiful green grass, flowers, and trees. I am ready for some sunny days though, so the weather will warm up. So rain, rain go away...come again another day.

How was your day? I am done getting things off my chest. Now do I dare post this or hit delete?!

A Bittersweet Mother's Day...

As I sit here thinking about how lucky I am to be able to have another go a being Momma to my second little guy, it is bittersweet. My 36 year old cousin passed away last June from cancer. She had three kids. This will be her kid's first Mother's Day without her, and her mom's first Mother's Day without her as well. I also have a friend who's son passed away last August. His 23rd birthday was today. I remember hearing her sister in law talk at his funeral about her memories of him coming home from the hospital on Mother's Day, soon after he was born.

Life throws us curve balls every once in a while, and it is how we choose to respond that shows us what we are truly made of. It is with great admiration that I write this post tonight. My friend and her husband are still weathering the storm that was created the day their son passed, but they do so with grace. I believe God has shown them mercy with all the love, support and compassion that surrounds them. People really are good and they do come through in hard times. I just wish it didn't take hard times for people to show up for others.

My cousin has been on my mind all week. This time last year we were getting ready to meet her and her family in Savanah, Georgia to go on to Disney World with them for a week. She died three weeks after we returned from Florida.

So this Mother's Day I will treasure every moment with my son's no matter what we do or don't do. I will inhale the breathes of fresh air which are their personalities, and be thankful to God that he has blessed me with two beautiful boys. Without them my life would most certainly be incomplete.

To Nicole, I know you will be looking down upon those who miss you terribly, and God will grant us the grace to get through the day. We will remember happy times with you and treasure them always until we meet again someday in God's Kingdom. I love you, Nicky.

To Michael, Happy Birthday. You are sorely missed. I'm sure your family spent the day reminiscing about the day you were born. I didn't really know you that well, but what I did know of you was truly a pleasure.

To all those in blogland, I wish for you a peaceful Mother's Day, and the ability to make the most out of every day, not just holidays. Give thanks for those you love and cherish the smallest of moments with them.

Where Does The Time Go...

My little guy is four and will be five in about 2 months. It seems as though he was just a 2 week old new born last month. How is this possible? There are four weeks of 4 year old preschool left for him. I would love to slow time, but since I know that is not possible I will instead spend every moment I can snuggling, reading to, talking to, playing with, teaching, and loving my sweet little boy. I don't want to miss one precious moment. He is the most energetic and lively little person I have ever known. Everyone loves him and he loves everyone. He's funny and smart and loves life. Not much gets by him and I am positive he will not miss out on anything he wants in life.

My older son will be 20 in August. This seems utterly impossible to me that he is no longer a little guy. Again I feel as though he were just a baby yesterday. How do we let the years go by so quickly without realizing the important moments are slipping away when we're not looking. He is a strong, intelligent, funny, and loving human being. I love spending time talking with, and listening to him. He is a gentle soul and always has been a very easy going person. We have always had a close relationship and can talk about anything. He loves his little brother and his little brother idolizes him.

Two boys, fifteen years apart in age...where does the time go...

Eventually...

There are many things on my personal "To Do" list. It is personal because it has nothing to do with my family life, and it is not a matter of life and death if these thing don't happen. Maybe I should treat them as though they are life and death so I would get them all done. I have many big aspirations about many projects. My writing, knitting, quilting, paintings, books to read, clay projects, new artistic skills I would like to try, scrapbooking, tweaking my blog (adding photos to the content), setting up my etsy shop, crafts with my little one, time with friends, etc...as you can see the list goes on and on and...I keep telling myself I will involve my four year old in these activities, and that will allow me to work on them. Ha! That never works, because in order to get to them I feel I "should" do the household chores first, then I can "play". When the chores don't all get done I then feel as if I can't do the fun stuff. It is a never ending cycle! I use to do the things I love when I felt like it, but I have let the "shoulds" invade my psyche. This is a quick and effective way to bring to a screeching halt a persons creativity!

One of the lies I tell myself is, "I suppose if I really wanted to do the things on my list I would JUST DO IT!" I think I do this to try and feel better about not doing what I want. Why as women do we constantly tell ourselves the lie that EVENTUALLY when we have time we will get to it (whatever "it" may be)?! I need to do the fun stuff sometimes or I get very grouchy. Yet, I rarely do the activities I listed, so as you can probably imagine I am and have been very grouchy lately!

So here's what I'm thinking...it would actually benefit my family for me to get to some of the items on my list. Right?! No more grouchy wife and momma. No more telling myself, "When I have time I will ________." No more putting fun last.

Yes, I'm sure I will do this EVENTUALLY...

A Person's Perceptions Are As Individual As Their Fingerprints...

If three different people were to read the same story, more than likely you would get three different perspectives on that story. This is what happened last Friday evening at the writer's group I belong to. I read a piece I had written for my Nonfiction Magazine Article class, which had been well received the evening before in my class, by the instructor as well as other class members. The goal of this writer's group is networking, and helping each other to become the best writer's we can be. One of the activities at the meetings is for anyone who wishes to, to read their work aloud. After the reading other members can either verbally critique what had been read, or write their critique on an index card, meant for the writer's eyes alone. I never read the critique's at the meeting. I will usually wait until I am home and settled in for the night. I like to savor the good one's, and to decifer the one's which I am not clear what the person was trying to say. I had quite a few critique's Friday. All different perspective's, some made no sense whatsoever, other's appreciative of my writing and honest story telling. I write nonficiton primarily. So they are not only commenting on my technical writing skills, but also my opinion or style of writing has come under scrutiny. There are those who totally do not get what the piece is about and they can be the most critical and downright nasty. How what I've written is being percieved is like night and day from one person to the next. It's as individual as a person's fingerprints...to each his own...